Prayers To Satan I Might Have Made As A Teenager


In nomine dei nostri Satanas Luciferi excelsis.


Lord Satan, hear my prayer. I, your lowly servant, summon you, and bid that you help me through my struggle.

I need to pass this Spanish test, Dark Lord. Senor Caranza has been riding my ass, and it’s officially gotten back to my parents. My mom did the thing the other day where she asked if I liked my school, like there must be some greater issue she’s not seeing. I’m just bad at languages, and Senor is a hardass, and being in the remedial class with three other people is a serious bummer.

Lord and Master, let me pass this test. I don’t ask for the world, only a B- or higher. Let the imperative verb conjugations fly from my fingers. Let the word for “garlic” not escape my brain during my hour of need. Only through your malevolent strength might I not have to have a tense sit-down talk with my parents.



Lucifer, light-bringer, truth-giver, hear me. Let me be as you, fallen yet strong, accepted even as I turn away from the light.

I’ve got to get into Wesleyan. It’s no longer an option. My visit to Oberlin last week was a nightmare. It was in the middle of nowhere, and my host didn’t even know where we could go get a beer. Wesleyan is the only place where I had fun, and felt I belonged.

My college advisor tells me Early Decision II is a stretch, but like you, I am a proud and fierce warrior. I will not bow. So please, use the dark forces of Hell, oh King of the Earth, two sway the minds of the Wesleyan admissions department. Make my grades from second semester sophomore year blur in their vision and my extracurricular theater performances shine like the fires that rage in the deepest of Hells.


Prayer of Seduction

To Ishtar and Belial, Isis and Thammuz, I offer this prayer. You carnal masters, who tame the flesh and sew lust, are my only hope. Hear me! My loins are engorged! I demand your audience!

Turn Maureen’s heart to my cause. For too long now, she has resisted my charms, despite the arguments I have posed her and the good deeds I have done for her. She says she just wants a “good guy” who will treat her as though she’s “special.” Have I not behaved good? Have my actions not illustrated her special place in my heart? I don’t know what her fucking problem is.

Turn her favor towards me. Make her heart flutter and her head reel to look upon me. Let my scent and touch be irresistible to her. When we join our bodies in an unholy union, preferably on that grey leather couch her dad has and maybe with her friend Jennifer joining in too, I will invoke your names and dedicate our unbound desires to your power.

Please, masters, grant me this boon. Allow me to be your earthly servant by aiding her in figuring out that I’m right for her.


Prayer of Destruction

Hail Abbadon, the great avenger! Hail Kali, destroyer-goddess! Hail Nemesis, queen of revenge! Lords of chaos, come forth!

I don’t know what this Nick dude’s problem is, but he has gone far enough! Maureen is my girlfriend! I don’t care how much he pines for her or what classes he’s in with her! That is a dick move, and he’s a dick, and I’m not going to sit around and take his whiny entitled bullshit anymore! Tomorrow, I tell him to back off, and if he responds with anything other than an apology or the word, “Fine”, then I am going to kick his ass!

May your strength surge through my body as I lay waste to his stupid fucking mouth! May your hands guide me as I hit him with kidney punches, sharp elbows to the nose, and maybe a hard mule kick that will reverse his knee and send him falling to the ground with a girlish shriek! May the world open up and swallow him with me standing over him, a laugh on my lips, Maureen at my side!

May I be an agent of destruction! May your humble servant share your might with the world!



In the name of Satan and Beelzebub, and their unholy wingmen Dionysus, Pan, Loki, and all gods of reckless abandon, let’s get this party started!

May your blessing falls upon this weekend while my parents away. To you I offer this medium-sized bottle of Jack Daniels, this twelve pack Rolling Rock, this other six pack of Miller Genuine Draft, these two packs of Camel Turkish Golds, and this two grams of Bubba Hulk bought hastily from that Vincent kid earlier this evening! We might also be able to give you some four Percocet, but we’ll if Chaz’s mom leaves in time.

Let our fires burn high in the night, so that the angels may see them and be afeared! May our drunkenness become the stuff of legends! May Jaimie not get so drunk that he vomits up the wall next to my parents’ bathroom again! May Maureen leave early, and Dana, Chaz’s girlfriend, be drawn to me like a moth to a flame!

Praise be to Satan, lord of misrule.



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