Punishments Doled Out In Hell For Bad Trick-Or-Treat Offerings

Raisins – In poetic irony, those who give out raisins on Halloween are force-fed gallons of wine until they can no longer move, and are then left Tower Of Silence-style on a ledge or balcony in direct sunlight (or fire-light, as there is no true sun in Hell). They slowly dry out, the alcohol making them dehydrated and sick as it boils down inside of them. The desiccated souls are then gathered and baked into oatmeal cookies.

Anything with a business card attached – Every day, the soul is forced to wake up early after a terrible night’s sleep and prepare for a job interview. When they get there, they are forced to wait two extra hours, and then have their resumes and work experience brutally mocked by one of Hell’s Abyssal Bosses. They are forced to accept a job for pennies a day, and then return home to find their significant others having affairs with their best friends. Just before bed, they get a call telling them a more qualified candidate has been found, but booking them another interview with a different company.

Bag of chips – A minor offense, but still applicable. Souls must wander an endless terrain of Legos in their bare feet, their only sustenance a single bag of Fritos far in the distance. They are not alone, however, and must fight the other souls around them. If they are victorious, they obtain the bag, only to discover it empty save one corner which has some crumbs left in it. After eating the crumbs, they almost collapse in despair—until they see a bag of Ruffles sitting off in the distance…

Apples – Referencing the original sin, apple-givers are punished with snakes. They are chased down and attacked by swarms of venomous and constricting serpents with hooked teeth and razor-sharp scales. Occasionally, they come across one who can speak, and who whispers that there is a way out, but she usually only leads them to a den of her brood, which ten torment the soul with thousands of tiny bites as opposed to a few large ones.

Dental hygiene products – First, the teeth are extracted forcefully, the remaining holes washed out with vinegar. Then, another person’s rotten teeth and used to replace them, and for weeks the soul is left to suffer multiple brutal toothaches, with only candy and soda to feed them. Then, Infernal Dentists removes every rotten tooth via a series of unanaesthetized root canals.

Granola bars – Granola-givers are in for a surprise—there are, in fact, hippies in Hell. The Unholy Peacenicks grind the bodies of these sinners into chunky pulps, dry the pieces, and then treat them with acidic sugars. They’re then eaten with yogurt produces from Shub Niggarth, she-goat of a thousand young, and are brutally attacked by the demonic bacteria and fungal cultures therein. The whole thing end with being turned into a hard health food poop.

Religious propaganda – A soul’s personal lord and savior appears in front of them in resplendent glory. Their deity promises them a way out of Hell—but first, they must eat their holy book in front of them, down to the staples and scroll rollers. When the soul has finished this task, their savior reveals that in fact they are the demon Belial, father of lies, who causes the scripture within them to turn into a horde of ravenous spiders that eat their way out of the soul’s gut. The spiders recite the soul’s holy book backwards, forcing them to drop one ring deeper into the abyss.


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