The Middle Child Endorses Henry Rollins For President Of The United States Of America

There is no denying that our country is damaged. The economy is in shambles, racism and police brutality run rampant, and dangerous dictatorships like Russia and North Korea are poised to attack us at a moment’s notice. During these trying times, America needs a leader who will give it his all. Who won’t back down. Who would give his very life for what he believes.

The Middle Child is proud to endorse Henry Rollins as the next President of the United States of America.

At every instance of his long and storied career, Henry Rollins has shown a distinguished mixture of dignity and bravado, class and fury. As a musician, Rollins has opened as many minds as he had circle pits, leaving it all onstage with brutal honesty. As an actor, he has given energetic life to carefully-chosen roles that both compliment his natural temperament and challenge expectations. As a writer, poet, and spoken-word performer, he has presented a stark and realistic view of the world that can still make us laugh when it needs to. He is an inspiration to those who feel powerless, to those who are afraid of the world’s corruption and dishonesty, to those who want to see quantifiable change measured in sweat.

Yes, Rollins is not your typical presidential nominee, but a nontraditional candidate might be what this country needs, given how much like Judge Dredd our modern society has become. Rollins does not have the political experience that other candidates do, but that only means that he has the distance from the political game to see political issues for what they actually are. Yes, Rollins has a history of violent, hostile, and incendiary statements, but as he has gotten older he has noticeably chilled out in demeanor if not with fervent support for his own standards and principles.

Perhaps Rollins’ strongest selling point as a potential leader of the free world is that he would undoubtedly refuse the nomination due to how sickened he is with the inhumanity of politics and the political process. Just as Groucho Marx would never join a club who would have him as a member, so would Rollins most likely assume a system at his door asking him for leadership isn’t one he wants to waste his time on. For that very reason, he is made for the job.

So Mr. Rollins, we salute you. We will support your candidacy when you finally feel up to the challenge of bench-pressing this nation. Spray paint the walls.


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