I’m fascinated by people who enjoy politics. The idea of politics as being something someone takes pleasure in is anathema to me. In my opinion, politics is a necessary evil imbued with an inherent sense of distrust and an awful color palette. And yet there are people out there who find politics interesting, who follow and root for specific politicians as though they were sports teams or bands. What went wrong in their childhoods, I wonder?
Of course, because these politics fans love a carefully-organized system based on formal presentation , nothing is more fun than pissing them off, and the best way to do that is to blow off politics altogether. When you refuse to play their game, their It’s The Only System We Got routine quickly morphs into a flustered bout of Well, Just You Watch. But whether we like it or not, politics is a major part of our civilized world, and so if you’re going to blow it off entirely, you need to do so with a reasoning other than, “They all lie and cheat.”
So here are five ways to blow of politics, in order to annoy the people who love it and to keep dinner parties from devolving into a bunch of hollow issue-mongering. Enjoy.
“What will any of this matters when the world ends?”
Ah, the Apocalypse, great societal equalizer. To be fair, by citing the end of all things, you’re joining a crew that also includes mentally ill homeless people and TV pastors. That said, the state of modern society and government does suggest that Total Death isn’t so far off, which even the most coifed political pundit can’t deny. A good follow-up is to ask whether or not your average senator can fix a tire of grow a vegetable.
“But what makes you any better than [THE POLITICAL FAN’S OPPONENT OR THEIR OPPONENT’S SUPPORTERS]?”
There’s nothing like righteous indignation to make a politics fan look like a dick. By asking someone to explain what makes his or her opinion so much better than theirs, you’re basically inviting them to lose their head and spout a bunch of judgmental bullshit. As they do this, you can officially designate politics a game of biases and opinions that offends your sensibilities, and move on to talking about Sylvester Stallone movies.
“Mine are the politics of the human heart.
When did we forget the people? When did politics become more about policy and paperwork than protecting families and promoting happiness? These are questions you can ask to make your teleprompter-memorizing friends look like a dick. While they’ve got a prepared statement about foreign policy and a vague opinion on Israel, you have empathy for the everyday struggle of your fellow man. Suck it, robot.
“How am I supposed to take politics seriously after _____ was nominated?”
Even the stuffiest shirt can’t deny that politics, especially American politics, are in a laughable place right now. With wrestlers, game show hosts, and semi-literate idiots being considered for seats of tremendous power, you’ve got to wonder how the Hell we got to this point. If you want to move the conversation away from boring argument and back towards the human condition, bring up the gross-out comedy of what we’ve become.
“The only leader I need is Jesus Chris.“
Fuck it, go for broke. Throw tact to the breeze, too, and straight-up rant about fasting in the desert, the Book of Revelation, all the good stuff. If they blow you off, it’s on them for persecuting your religious beliefs. Don’t really have religious beliefs? Screw it, pretend you do. If someone is going to take a good night at the bar and ruin in by ranting about foreign policy, you can make pickles on their parade by going on an extensive tirade about the footprints in the sand. After all, there’s only one thing worse than politics, and crazy beats tough every time.