So You Want To Conquer Earth Pt. 1: Methods

Let’s be honest: the world would be much better off if you were in charge. You’ve known this for a while. It’s not that people are bad, truly, just that they’re inherently stupid and eager to follow the loudest person in a tie. If only you had the power to seize control of the human race and rule them like a king, right?

Well, we’re here to help. The Middle Child strongly supports fantasies of world domination; the blog’s CEO, founder, and ruling despot has them every day while commuting to work in New York. However, while simple daydreaming about bowing popes and McDuckian piles of cash is all well and good, it’s the practical consideration of global tyranny that gets us especially excited.

So let’s begin with How. Here are some methods of holding humanity hostage if they don’t submit to your every whim.

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Control the weather!

Nothing says ‘FEAR GOD’ like a devastating storm. As world leaders are smote with lightning bolts and tornados toss aside tanks as though they were plastic toys, the world will finally look at you atop your electrode-covered machine and recognize that they have no recourse but to worship you. And why not? Such a simple idea–if only one had the will to harness it!

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Find that ancient book everyone’s been talking about!

Back in the day, only a few people could reader and fewer people could write, so no one bothered writing, say, blog posts–mostly they recorded prophecies, spells, invocations, and algorithms that could make the earth trembles. Is there a tome of immeasurable power that only a fool would seek to harness? If you’ve got what it takes, you’ll find it, read it out loud, make a pact with whatever comes out of it, and get to work.

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Become a household name!

It’s hard putting spies and surveillance equipment into everyone’s home–unless that surveillance equipment also offers streaming video on demand and freshly-squeeze orange juice! While everyone in the country is buying your hardware and calling your intelligence agents over every time it breaks, you can count down the days until each unit is sent Prime Directive Kappa and things start going your way.

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Engineer a really awful virus!

There are many methods of holding the world hostage, but few are as brutal and fast-acting as the one with all the pus and the corpse pits. By engineering a virus that will cause total death in the most disgusting way possible, you force the world to bow to your might, lest you plunge America into a state similar to that of parts of India and the Caribbean.

 

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Get big as Hell!

So far, we’ve been doing things circuitously, finding ways to basically convince the world to let us rule it. But sometimes the old ways are the best ways, and everyone from Hobbes to Lovecraft agreed that the easiest way to conquer the world is by being bigger than everything and everyone else. Not only can you stomp on anyone who tries to stand up to you, but you also inspire madness in those who cannot fathom your stature. Kick down a skyscraper!

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Soothe the savage beast!

In ancient Greek legends, the sirens were women whose songs were so beautiful, sailors would get dashed on rocks and drown trying to swim to them. Similarly, an unwitting fan will allow themselves to get smashed to death by a security guard if your song is so good that they’ll try to leap over a barrier. Whip the planet into a frenzy, then make them beg for more until they crown you king.

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Corner a market!

What does everyone like? Music? Partying? No, they like water. Once you’ve taken control of the world’s major resources, everyone on the planet–or at least, all the people representing everyone on the planet–will have to bow to you. Sure, there’s always the chance of a violent revolution, but hey, if you plan enough failsafes and hook up a nuclear bomb to your heartbeat, even that can be dealt with.

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Save everyone from your peers!

There’s no more widely-consumed product than security, and as long as you’ve protected everyone’s breakfast routine and Christmas plans, they’ll adore you. If you save and protect the world from a threat–invading aliens, political turmoil, the Apocalypse, et cetera–the world will respond like the scared little kid it is. Europe had a bad dream and wants to sleep with you tonight? Good, get under the covers.

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