So You Want To Conquer Earth Pt. 2: Activities

There’s an old turn of phrase in which someone chasing something is described as behaving like a dog chasing a car, in that they wouldn’t know what to do with their quarry when they got ahold of it (usually, this is about chasing someone romantically, though it could be applied to the hunger a person has for an extremely large sandwich).

So too are world-dominators. So often, our desire to bring the planet to its knees is about the excitement of the chase rather than the catch. When the world finally does belong to us, we find ourselves a little confused as to where we turn. Like a bong hit, the world is often more fun in the taking than the enjoyment it provides you.

But fear not, fearless readers. Here, courtesy of The Middle Child, are some things you can do with your planet once you’ve got your iron fist wrapped around it.

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Arena games!

Who doesn’t love a spectacle? By pitting your new domain’s greatest champions against one another in an enclosed space, you not only get a fun activity, but you also provide entertainment for your millions of new subjects. And when if champions run low, well, that’s what animals are for. Trust us, there’s a beautiful tone to the applause that only a four-star general fighting a bear can elicit.

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Getting priorities straight!

Too long have the idiots in charge of society labored solely for their own betterment. Now that Earth is yours, use its resources properly. Focus the world’s scientific might on inventing a machine that spits out healthy food. Bring clean sustainable water and energy to every country on the planet. Cure AIDS. Force humanity to take its medicine.

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Try out your stand-up!

Be honest, you’ve been dying to find someone who will listen to the comedy routine you’ve been slowly building over the years. It’s just that the idea of doing it at a local club is really scary, and you’ve been very busy inventing a weather-control device with which to topple the world’s governments. Well, guess what, Alexander, now’s your chance to make ‘em laugh! And hey, if they don’t, see Option 1!

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Seduce a celebrity!

Sure, this isn’t exactly a nice thing to do as the ruler of the world, because there’s a pretty considerable power dynamic going on here. That said, these are people who could have anything they want, who capture the popular mind with a flick of their wrist and a wink of their eye—they’re at least somewhat on your level. Besides, isn’t this the ultimate perk of being a conqueror? Now get out there and make sweet love to Charo.

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Construct a tomb!

You know what the difference is between someone who runs the world and rules it? A ruler is super worried about his or her impending death, and has a totally unnecessary tomb built to honor them. Sure, thousands will die over the course of its construction, and history will remember you as a tyrant with pretty shallow life goals, but who fucking cares—you’ll be dead by then!

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Get back together with Cheryl!

Sure, she might look really happy on her Tumblr, but you know Cheryl never really loved that Jackson guy. She just wants the security his high-paying finance job offers. You always knew once you had your shit together, she’d be down to try things again. Now that you’re sitting atop a golden throne and have the nation’s nuclear launch codes in your pocket, it might be time to give it another go. You promise, this time will be different.

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Kill Cheryl’s mom!

Dude, Gloria has it coming. That waspy bitch? Definitely. Remember that thing she said to you on Christmas Eve, about how she “always thought Cheryl knew when to quit a bad habit?” And come on, in private even Cheryl complained about her. Well, if you were such a bad habit, how’d you become supreme ruler of Earth, huh? HUH? That’s right. Knife or fire?

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Plan your escape!

Look, if you could conquer humanity, it means that maybe humanity’s not that great. Now’s the time to start building a massive space craft that will take you out into the stars and far away from the world. After all, Earth is a planet you know—why not use your new skills as a forceful ruler to subjugate a whole unknown race of intelligent beings? Every intergalactic menace had to get their start somewhere.

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Smoke a joint rolled with the Declaration of Independence!

Because let’s not fool ourselves—that’s why you did all this in the first place.

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