If there’s one thing that Middle Children are especially adept at, it’s family occasions. Our need for attention mixed with our suddenly being required to act presentable in the face of guests mixes into a volatile emotional substance which intoxicates us into throwing tantrums, making the day all about us, and, worst of all, being honest.
But these days, the traditional things to announce to your family just before the guests arrive seem a little, I don’t know, typical. You’re gay? You’re sick? I’ve heard those stories before (granted, I’m sure if you’re the story’s protagonist, there’s nothing typical about it, especially if your family is absolutely insane).
Why not up the ante? You still want the rest of the day to be spent with your close family forcing laughter and glancing sidelong at you, but you don’t want them to be rolling their eyes and saying, Ah, classic ____________.
So for this Thanksgiving, here are twenty alternate things to say to your family just as you hear the sound of wheels in your driveway. Enjoy, and good luck.
- “Okay, everybody act natural.”
- “By the way, I’m not swallowing my spit all evening. Let’s see how long that can go for!”
- “No one say anything about my genital warts.”
- “I’ve been experiencing sharp headaches and dizzy spells, and my tongue keeps going numb.”
- “I have an infected skin tag, and it might start weeping throughout the day.”
- “I’ve decided that I’m going to match everyone beer for beer.”
- [referencing the first guest walking down the driveway] “Dibs!”
- “Right before dinner, I’d like to read a poem. I hope that’s cool.”
- “I have about twenty minutes until it kicks in..”
- “I’ve decided to enlist in the coast guard.”
- “OK Cupid matched me with Aunt/Uncle ________.”
- “I’ve joined the Nation of Islam.”
- “I want to talk to everyone about my domme/babygirl lifestyle.”
- “I gave the dog a bunch of hot peppers.”
- “See if you can guess which food item I replaced with a vegan option.”
- “I stopped that leak in the pipe, by the way.”
- “I want to show everyone my bridle.”
- “I’ve planted a bomb in the dog.”
- “My friends are all coming over around 6:30.”
- “Before this all begins, I just want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that I love you.”